I have reached the halfway point of my project and am amazed to find that the ease and effortlessness remains, as it it did from day one.
I now seem to be over the worst of the shingles attack and am relieved to be off the anti-virals that completely wiped me out.
The right side of my face still feels like bad sunburn but it is slowly settling down.
Enjoyed a gathering of friends over the weekend and thought that it might be nice (and a good decision), to celebrate the halfway mark with a glass of my favorite wine.
The first sip was a shock. It just tasted awful. I was unable to drink it. just the most sour dry raspy taste and I gave up trying. I think my taste for wine has somehow 'un-aquired' itself!
I wonder if after day 100 I will find any old vice appealing at all.
I am still attempting to figure out why after so many years of habitual addiction, I was able, 50 days ago to just quit, and stay quit. As a bit of a control freak I feel the need to understand what has changed. If not to be of assistance to others, than at least for my own personal inner understanding.
I remember thinking to myself and mentioning to others that if I had a switch in the back of my head that if flipped, would remove all my craving and desire to be high or drunk, that I would grab the chance and flip the switch. Even if it meant never wanting to have those things ever again.
I am now seeing that that switch was flicked the moment I chose to start the project!
Looking back to mid August as I was counting down the two weeks to day one, it felt like I was so desperate to begin the process and save my poor body from the onslaught, but kept going with all the crazy nonsense, as if something inside was pushing me to really, really finish with running away from my life and myself. I was due to begin on the 20th August but out of sheer desperation brought the date forward to Sunday 16th.
By the time Sunday came around (day one), I was just so relieved to finally be free to not have to abuse my body. I felt liberated. As if I had just been released from jail and was standing outside the gate with a clear open road ahead.
How bizzare is that?
Perhaps, I am now considering, that it has not been about letting the body make the decisions at all. Maybe something bigger is at work that is deeper and wider than just the body.
I am sensing that a part of me that is not my normal conscious state is actually taking over the controls. Something beyond my 'doing' or affecting.
Too much other stuff is coming up, too many challenges are in my life and I sense that I am actually preparing myself for big changes that are imminent. Changes on all levels, within me, around me, and around all of us.
The status quo is losing it's meaning and dissolving. Things that used to matter no longer do, and things that I used to keep at a distance for fear of dealing with, are moving to the front of my experience. It is becoming clear to me that this whole project is about what I mentioned a few weeks ago. Diminishment of fear.
The first step was to stop controlling my head and heart with drink and drugs and begin to clear my mind. Now the next stage is able to start. I don't know what that means but something has begun
Watching the big wide open spaces.
I hope they have filled up with something in the next ten days.
Peace and love and out!
No comments:
Post a Comment